struggling

I've always had this struggle around my writing. My dream is to write. It's my number one passion. I'd give up just about anything to do it. Or at least that's what I tell myself. But I'm always finding reasons to not write. Lately, while I am super busy, I've learned that writing is about making time, not having or even finding time. NaNoWriMo taught me that you can always make time for writing; it's just a matter of priorities.

Throughout the month of November, if you're doing NaNoWriMo, you get pep talks by authors e-mailed to you. And they really do work; there were a few days where if I hadn't read a pep talk I wouldn't have written that day, mostly because they give you permission to write badly and encourage you that all published novels start out terribly (I'm not sure that's true, but I'll take it when I'm feeling insecure about my writing). The post event pep talk was from author Peter Carey (http://petercareybooks.com/). It hit home for me and I'd like to share some of it:

"...if you dream of making something original and beautiful and true, if you imagine seeing your book reviewed, or in the window of a book store, you're in the same position as the ambitious swimmer—you've got a lot of training to do, a lot of muscles to build, a lot of habits to start establishing right now, today.

...you have to write regularly, every day. You have to treat this as the single most important part of your life. You do not need anything as fancy as inspiration, just this steady habit of writing regularly even when you're sick or sad or dull. Nothing must stop you... If you wish to be a like the champion who swims for four hours every day of the year, you will need extraordinary will. You either have this or you don't, but you won't know unless you try .

...turn off your television. The television is your enemy. It will stop you doing what you wish to do. If you wish to watch TV, you do not want to be a serious writer, which is fine.

But if you do pull that plug you've just created time for that exercise which is going to build up your writing muscles like nothing else. It's called reading. Perhaps you are already reading good books for several hours a day, in which case you don't need me to preach at you. Forgive me. I only mention this because I have met an extraordinary number of beginners who don't think they need to read anything too much."

I feel like Peter Carey wrote this for me. I KNOW I have to write every day. I know that it doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not, whether I'm feeling inspired or not. I know that the TV robs me of precious and valuable time that I could be using to read or write. And yet I don't do anything about it. And I know it isn't because I can't. I just don't. So like Peter Carey says: I will need extraordinary will. And I need to stop with the excuses already. Yes, I'm tired, and stressed, and yes, my marking pile is a foot deep, and yes, my house is a disaster and yes, I was inspired to write something while sitting in church and now that inspiration is gone. SO WHAT?! None of those are good enough excuses. And I know it. I just have to do something about it.

Why is that so hard?!

A Glimpse into My NaNoWriMo Journey

For the past 24 days, I've been attempting to write a novel. The challenge to is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, which works out to an average of 1667 words per day. The intent is quantity, not quality, which is my only saving grace. I'm currently just shy of 40,000 words, which is a pretty huge accomplishment for me, not because I've written that many words, but because I haven't given up on my ideas. The hardest thing for me as a writer is to believe in myself and in my abilities. I feel like anyone can write 50,000 words in a month if they put their mind to it. And honestly, most days I feel like "anyone" in that I think my so-called "novel" is crap and that I'm just wasting my time writing it because it's drivel and garbage and worse. I especially lose heart and belief in my abilities when I read exceptionally crafted words by other people I know who are also doing NaNoWriMo. I feel like I'm deluding myself into thinking I actually have anything worthwhile to say and that I actually have any talent with this whole writing thing. But I think a huge part of being a writer is fighting, and conquering, your inner critic. So if the only thing I accomplish over these 30 days is to tell the insecure, "i'm-not-good-enough" writer inside of me to shut up and I keep writing anyway, I've succeeded. At least, that's what I tell myself to comfort and appease the part of me that is terrified that I'll hate what I've produced when this is over.

NaNoWriMo: Take Two

Well, right about now, another official month of novel writing kicks into gear and I'm really excited. I wasn't sure I was going to try it again this year, since I quit partway through last year, but I think I have a really good idea that has a ton of potential, so we'll see what happens. You can check out my progress here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/406730